Blog slacking -- but fun Naptime Checklist to make up for it!

Hi kids. Apologies to the five people who read this blog, but I have been busy eating my weight in Asian cuisine on Buford Highway for the last three days thanks to a fabulous field trip with the Southern Foodways Alliance. (Never heard of 'em? Get your asses to their website pronto. They will be getting all my money when I die, and they should get yours too.)

Anyhow, as I was off doing a decidedly non suburban parent thing by completely ignoring my child in favor of bulgogi, I wanted to make up for it with some extra parent-y things for your enjoyment. Please, allow me to lay upon you ...

The Suburban Parent's 10-Step Nap Time Checklist
Your offspring is sleeping and you have that golden hour and a half until they wake. Wondering what to do with yourself? Just follow the steps below to ensure that you're being a true suburban parent.

1. Eat something. Typically microwaved. Chase with diet carbonated beverage. Feel guilty for not eating vegetables. Go back to fridge and eat handful of baby carrots. Congratulate yourself unnecessarily. Go to computer.

2. Frantically check email in order to find the two real emails from people you like among 15 piece-of-crap sales announcements from websites you've ordered stuff from. Schedule time to drink with said people and/or play with their kids. Sometimes both at once.

3. Succumb to one "40% off today only" offer email. Click through and browse site. Load up shopping cart with cute dress/smarmy t-shirt for kid. Add cute shirt for you. Add cool shirt for husband. Add birthday gift for friend. Add something you'd never wear from clearance page because it costs $8.99. Go to check out. Enter address. Figure out shipping. Hover mouse above “Next”button. Abandon sale because purse and wallet are upstairs and that's just too far away to go to get your credit card number.

4. Log on to Facebook. Update status with information about progress of child's illness/potty training/food allergies. Look at other friend's status updates to see how their child's illness/potty training/food allergies are. Feel momentarily unhip, so post additional link on page referring to "awesome" thing you just saw on YouTube/NPR.

5. Get up from computer to clean up dishes. Notice dishes from previous meal are still on table. Bring them to sink, but realize clean dishes in dishwasher have not been unloaded. Rationalize that if you're LOADING the dishwasher, your spouse/significant other should at least UNLOAD the dishwasher. Feel indignant about how much you do around the house versus how much they do around the house. Leave dishes by sink as a form of silent protest.

6. Debate showering.

7. Get mail. Realize that it's your first time outside all day, and note that the pajama pants you are wearing are too warm/too cold for season.

8. Go back inside. Read mail. Toss Red Plum circular except for Papa John's coupon.

9. Debate showing again.

10. Decide that you better get something productive done. Feel surge of motivation. Change out of pajama pants. Put on clean underwear. Brush hair. Brush teeth. Go confidently in the direction of doing laundry/picking up toys/writing grocery list …


DING! Silly parent. You’re time is up! Little Johnny is now wide awake, and ready for the several additional hours of enrichment and learning that you are legally obligated to provide. Didn’t get a thing done? Don’t worry. You’ll get those pesky chores done during nap time tomorrow. Right after you check your email.